Creep of The Day: Scooter Rage

Like Forest Gump’s mother said, life is like a box of chocolate’s you never know what you’re going to get. I sure as fuck didn’t know what I was going to get when I recently heard someone screaming out the window of my apartment.

There’s a fairly busy intersection nearby and it’s not uncommon to hear a disgruntled driver or bicyclist or runner screaming at someone as a result of one near death¬†experience or another. This results in regular window-side entertainment for boyfriend and I as we watch shit go down from our nice little perch above.

Recently after getting home early from work on a cool day when we had our windows down I hear someone screaming at the top of their lungs. Curious to see the latest shit go down, I made my way to the window to peer out. I hear screaming, but can’t quite see where it’s coming from. As a listen further, it becomes clear that someone is yelling something on repeat.

A few seconds later I realize it’s a man yelling…”DILDO! DILDO! DILDO! DILDO” No…surely that’s not right, I think to myself. I listen closer and again, all I hear is “DILDO! DILDO! DILDO! DILDO.” Finally, the man comes into sight and it’s some white dude with a fishing hat (think Wilson from Home Improvement) riding down the street on a scooter screaming Dildo, on repeat, from the top of his lungs.

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I start dying laughing and fumble with my phone to record this absurd moment. As he zooms by screaming this (in anger? joy? wonder?) I fail to take a picture, but die laughing when I see him go by the dog park and ALL the dogs start barking their heads off at his scream.

I then proceeded to text my mom about the man who just scootered by screaming “dildo” at the top of his lungs.

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Creep of the Day: Barista Barb

If you haven’t already guessed from the title, this post happens to be about the second creepiest starbz barista I’ve ever had the misfortune to cross paths with. On a dreary mid-afternoon last weekend my friend, who self-admits she’s pissy if she doesn’t have coffee must have felt her pissiness threshold on the rise as she announced her need to find a place to get coffee asap. Luckily there was a Starbucks just across the street that happened to be in a Meijer. We get out and go in and end up getting in line behind this girl. There was only one barista working, which normally wouldn’t be a problem, but this woman was clearly a strange cat and had an uncanny resemblance to Lorraine from Mad TV, minus the glasses.

She’s chit chatting like a maniac with her coworker who stopped by about how long she’s been with Meijer before she finally focuses and takes the girl’s order:

Girl: I’d like a mocha, please.

Barista Barb: A mocha? Well have you ever had our caramel mocha? It’s new…

Girl: No, I haven’t

Barista Barb: It’s AMAZING……..well, actually I haven’t had it but it incorporates a lot of delicious flavors.

Here I am thinking okay barista lady, you got your sales game on, I can respect that-good for you. That was until Barista Barb starts trying to make the drink and decides she needs to describe in intricate detail the entire fucking process to this poor girl. She’s throwing out shit like “Indeed, did you know it only uses 1.75 pumps of caramel because otherwise you overwhelm the flavors…Then I put X amount of pumps of this, which is important for that.”

This wouldn’t have been a bad thing, if the woman could whistle while she worked, which is the nicer way of saying if she could talk and get shit done at the same time. Unfortunately she couldn’t. It took her a solid 5 minutes to make one drink alone, and then she continued to make accelerated, manic small talk in the meantime.

Meanwhile I’m looking over at my poor friend who is clearly being hit by the I haven’t had caffeine pissy bug, and perhaps contemplating going ape shit and/or leaving. Finally the woman finishes and comes over to take his order. Deciding this will clearly be interesting, I take a seat and watch. She repeats her order back:

Barista Barb: Okay a red eye, which is coffee with a shot of espresso and some ice. Okay got it.

F: Yes.

Barista Barb: You know espresso shots come out in two would you like the second one in there?

F: No, I think I’ll pass – I need to sleep tonight.

Barista Barb: Oh, I know what you mean it’s so easy to drink too much caffeine

Almost on cue, the woman reaches out her hand to take her card and I notice homegirl is shaking. I’m talking shakes as in “I am dropping speed and need another hit” shakes.

WTF. As she hands over her card to pay, she begins whipping out brochures and telling her about gaining points for her purchases and how great it is. She feigns interest clearly wanting her to move on as I begin to realize this woman is potentially Awkward Stampede worthy. Again the woman begins to make her drink chatting manically as she goes on.

Barista Barb: How many ice cubes do you want? 3?

F: Sure.

Finally my friend gets her coffee and we begin to walk back to the car. We exchange looks clearly acknowledging homegirl was a nut bag.

F: I don’t think I’ll be getting coffee from there anymore…