Shorty McShortShort (SMSS) lived in Apt. 12 and as you might have guessed from the name he was…well…short. In fact, he was as short as I am – and because of this fact I think when we met he thought “JACKPOT! A SHORTIE JUST LIKE ME!” He was actually a pretty cool guy-he definitely tried to put the moves on me a few times but nonetheless was a super friendly, chill, and fun person. Albeit he did have a couple awkward moments-which naturally I feel the need to share with you.
Awkward Moment 1:
One night soon after we had just met he decided to march across the lawn as I was coming home to tell me “Du bist sehr heiss,” which he intended to mean as “You’re really hot,” but in German that just means you’re hot…as in I’m fuckin’ burning alive it’s so hot in this mofo. This, however, made me laugh so +12 points to SMSS.
Awkward Moment 2:
Another night I was sitting on the stoop alone, I think my roommate or friend had gone up to the bathroom, when he came by and sat beside me. We started talking and then it got kind of weird:
SMSS: “Your feet are really small.”
Me: “Uhm ok, yes?”
SMSS: “So are mine!”
Me: “I see.”
*Taking a moment to stare at SMSS’s shrek feet*
SMSS: “I wonder who’s feet are bigger.”
SMSS: “Do you mind if we compare them?”
Me: “Huh? What? Uhm… Okay”
*Slides foot over next to his*
SMSS: “I can’t tell – we need to put them sole to sole.”
Me: *HOLY FUCK HOW DO I GET OUT OF THIS ONE* “Urg…okay”
There and then sitting on the stoop of my shithole apartment I placed my foot on SMSS’s hairy shrek foot and a comparison was made. I can only imagine what the nursing home neighbors across the street were thinking if they happened to peak out their window at 1am, let alone the drunken dude-bros walking by. If I remember correctly I won for having bigger feet. I also decided that was kinda sorta super fucking awkward and creepy and deducted approximately 50 points from SMSS’s decent person scale.
Awkward Moment 3:
Okay, so technically this isn’t my story-it’s Monica DingleDangles (yes, the pseudonym for my awesome roommate that year), but it’s just so fabulous it needs to be included. In order to include the story I must preface this by saying that Monica is 5 feet 9 inches of awesomeness, or, in fewer words, she’s tall.
One night Monica DingleDangle was sitting out on the stoop – who knows – smoking a cigarette, yakking on the phone, or doing an interpretative dance – fuck if I know. Anyways she’s sitting out there and SMSS comes up, takes a seat, and they start having a really good heart-to-heart (no joke, I believe this is true—probably about Tricks’ mad telephone pole acrobatics). At the end of the heart-to-heart, SMSS was so taken with the conversation that he stood up and asked DingleDangle for a hug. Not wanting to scream “due to our 10 inch height difference and semi-acquaintance status relationship I’m going to have to say fuck no” she stood up and awkwardly reached down to SMSS and gave him what was described and impersonated to me as the most vertically-awkward-quasi-hug-bullshit one could possibly give a quasi-stranger. As you might have guessed this awkward moment speaks largely to why we are such good friends.
Awkward Moment 4: Portraits of Awkwardness
The fourth and final awkward moment related to SMSS probably reflects more of our awkwardness than his. Yes by “our” I mean myself, Monica DingleDangle, and DingleDangle’s BFF JingleJangle. One night, after having too much to drink, we thought it would be a fucking fantastic idea to draw pictures of the creepy shit we had around our apartment. JingleJangle actually had some mad artistic skillz and whipped up some creepy ass portraits of the random shit we had collected over the past couple of months. Naturally we decided keeping these drawings to ourselves was total selfish, bologna-hogwash and thus we felt the need to distribute them…to all the apartments in our building. Did I mention we were really drunk? Did I also mention that we think we are tremendously funny when we are drunk? Well we were and we do. We ran around giggling like drunken ninjas taping these fucking things to people’s doors at 3am and imagined what their faces would look like when they found it the next day. We ended up putting one on SMSS’s door and I believe it was a portrait of this dead bamboo plant we had and this creepy figurine belonging to DingleDangle.
DingleDangle & I had completely forgotten about these shenanigans until the next weekend when SMSS had a huge party and invited us over. We moseyed our way on over there later on and as we walked in…there in the center of the fucking living room was our drawing – taped up like some proud mother who’s child just drew her a Van Gogh. We almost died laughing. It was amazing. Later we asked SMSS if he had drawn it – he said no, but it was one of the coolest fucking things he’d ever found. I then added 29 points to SMSS’s overall person score for good taste and good humor.