My need to be doing something coupled with my need to have money in the bank have resulted in a lot of jobs throughout my life. Ergo I’ve had to do a lot of weird shit in my life. From working in restaurants to libraries, stores and universities I’ve been exposed to some pretty freaky shit including, but not limited to: dead mice, opossum and ‘coons; barfy food and even barfier food handling practices; organizing and selling underwear, jockstraps, and toilets; and dealing with screaming hungry children and adults. Yes, it’s been wonderful.
Despite all these less than palatable job experiences, the weirdest day on the job I have ever had was when I was a junior in college and preparing to leave for study abroad in Germany. I decided I needed some extra money for deutsch bier & wienerschnitzel and found this job randomly online. It was for a random catering place on the edge of town and paid $10/hour, which at the time was like hitting the jackpot.
I showed up and got trained. And by trained I mean I learned why the fuck people have four forks and four spoons, where they go, what they look like, and how to lift a tray and “appropriately” place dishes on the table. Although the plated tray was heavier than cinder blocks and the food made me want to barf, I wouldn’t allow myself to be phased by any of it determined to bite my tongue and stick it out for the money.
Then I showed up to work my first event. As I pulled up into the lot I noticed a buttload of huge ass trucks, 15 passenger vans, and tractor-trailers.
Hmm…this should be interesting, I thought.
I began to walk inside and wonder who exactly the audience of this event was. Then I stepped through the front door, looked around, and saw nothing but heads of deer.
Okay…maybe it’s just some freaky craft show.
As my eyes perused the premises, I began to see an array of people intermingled with the overwhelming presence of deer heads. And I use the term “people” loosely. These folks were like something straight out of the Wild Wild West – super hick with cowboy boots, hats, and then…what’s this? Amish people galore! That’s right, Nascar and the Pennsylvania Dutch had launched an invasion on the great state of Illinois and I was in the middle of it – apparently the deer got the fuck in the way…and got fucked up. At least that was my morbid assessment.
As I walked through Big Buck Hunter Wonderland to go clock in and get my uniform, I couldn’t put my finger on why this was so fucking weird. I mean amish people and country cowboys are not exactly oddities where I am from, but this event had something ultra unique about it.
Once clocked-in, uniformed like a maroon turd, and ready to go, my boss stumbled up to myself and my coworker (who, mind you, the day before while polishing silverware for the big event had told me about her life as a stripper, shitastic boyfriend, and child-yes, it was depressing and extremely awkward). He then informed us that we would be working a concession stand at the event.
The event? Oh, just a deer semen auction. Apparently deer jizz is big biz. And by big business – I mean multi-billion dollar industry.*
On the menu? Nothing but wieners and pulled pork.
*What the fffffffffuuuuccckkk*
Eventually the $10/hour trumped the palpable freakishness of the event. And that’s how I spent two days selling wieners to people bidding on deer semen. And yes, it does feel weird handing an amish guy a wiener, knowing he just dropped some serious G’s on the deer semen he’s holding in the other hand.
*Allegedly, there are deer hunting parks where people pay money to go around and shoot up deer and then get to take the deer heads home – they auction semen to breed deer with the biggest horns possible. Just another shining example of mankinds incessant desire to fuck over nature.