FBD of the Day: Captain Consideration

Sitting on the empty bus being a grumpinator, when the bus driver pulls up to a stop and announces he is “getting me some company back there!”

I dig it.

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FBD of the Day: Stories from the Stoop – Part 2 (Tricks)

Tricks

Tricks was the only relatively normal guy from Apt. 7 He was surprisingly nice and respectful, and we rarely saw him–go figure. One night we were out on our stoop smoking hookah when Tricks came home. He thought we were smoking weed and really wanted a riff (?). Despite the fact that we weren’t smoking pot, instead opting for yummy flavored tobacco deliciousness, we told him he was more than welcome if he could do a trick for us.

Sidenote: We loved to ask people to do tricks, rarely were we totally serious-but if they did, said person pretty much won the gold medal of awesomeness for the night.

As you might be able to tell from the nickname, Tricks was a fucking master of tricks. You know, generally when you make this request you expect something like the “quarter behind your ear” gag or a handstand if someone’s feeling particularly adventurous. Not tricks. Tricks fucking marched up to the light post and as I anticipated him to begin climbing it BOOM this 6ft tall Nordic giant swings his legs around the pole and turns upside down.

As I type this, I realize it sounds quite a bit like a stripper move, except with a big ass telephone pole. At the time I didn’t make that connection and my roommate and I were simply speechless or in her own words “our eyes completely glazed over in awe.”

It is hands-down one of the most impressive things I’ve ever seen a grown man do who wasn’t A) an Olympian B) Creepy Criss Angel or C) Harry Potter. (Ok so Harry Potter wasn’t grown, but he was a wizard-so it still counts).

 

My Love of Tricks (pie-charted for your enjoyment)

 

Tricks didn’t stop there though – he then proceeded to do other crazy tricks, which in retrospect have paled next to the telephone one. All in all though it was pretty terrific. We sat bamboozled and slightly humbled as we handed him the hookah.

*Special thanks to Monica DingleDangle for her enlightening portrayal of Tricks*

FBD of the Day: Dolly Man

Scenario: Jacked up on caffeine and jamming to my tunes at work when the secretary asks me to come over and take a look at something in the hallway. She’s there with this huge dude who is holding a dolly (you know the thing with wheels, not the toy). She asks me where I think they should place the new shipment of boxes so we can get to them in this closet.

Me: Yeah, that’s perfect.

Dolly Man: Are you sure? I could totally put them in your office and build you a fort.

I really had to resist screaming I FUCKING LOVE FORTS! Nice work dolly man.

FBD of the Day: Cab Drivers

Cabbie #1
Scenario: Taking a cab to the park with my mom on vacation. Our driver was a Chatty Cathy and kept asking us everything under the sun. Eventually we started talking about tornadoes and he asked us what you’re supposed to do during one.

Mom: If you’re driving you can floor it.
Me: But you’re not supposed to, you should get out of the car and lay down in a ditch.
CD: Hmm, yeah but if I had a corvette, I bet I could outrun it.
Us: Probably.
CD: Yeah. And, if I saw you ladies all up in a ditch, I would pick you up.

Cabbie #2

Yeah, up in La Jolla there is a beach where you can swim without any clothes. At first I was like I don’t know about that, but then I stripped down and started swimming and was like yeahhhhhhh this is nicceeee.

FBD of the Day: Country Lovin’

Scenario: At the Shell station. I had to pull over to put coolant in my car because OP started shitting her pants. So I pull over, I buy the shit, and I call my dad just to make sure I’m buying the right stuff. He starts talking jibber jabber about putting it in the right place and not the radiator. This unnecessarily confuses the fuck out of me, and considering my need for OP to haul my ass 6 hours south, I grab the manual and sit down in front of my car to get shit right.

*Country Lovin’ appears as if from nowhere, with a cape on his back blowing in the Midwestern breeze (Yes, dramatic effect added for your reading pleasure).*

Country Lovin’: “Do you need help with that?”

Me: “Oh, I’m just a little confused.”

*proceeds to take over intense coolant pouring activities and ask for my life story, while taking a bit longer than necessary to fill up the coolant*

Me: *trying not to read the woman’s name written on the giant cross tattoo on his forearm*

Country Lovin’: “I know this is going to sound goofy, I’m from the country. But, just remember that caps going to be HOT when you pull over. Like really hot. Believe me, I’ve been burnt by coolant you want to take that cap off with something. So, get in your car and grab a sock or an old tshirt and just set it on here like this and twist it like this.”

*demonstration worthy of an Oscar*

Me: “Urg, okay well thanks!” *Thinking to self: WTF…a sock? Who has a fucking sock just sitting around in their car.*

Lessons learned:

1) Store sock in car emergency kit

2) Sit in the car to read your car manual

FBD of the Day: Triple A

FBD = Future Baby Daddy, which loosely translates to guys who may be a little creepy, but definitely made my day.

Scenario: My car breaks down in Meijer parking lot. Me = on the verge of tears and enraged at OP (aka Optimus Prima), my car whilst talking to the AAA guy:

AAA guy: Ma’m my first question is, are you in a safe place?

Me: Yeah, well I’m in Meijer parking lot – It better be safe.

AAA guy: Yeah, Meijer’s pretty safe–unless you’re scared (and voice drops here) of LOW LOW prices.

And that’s when I died laughing. AAA guy also talked smack about the university I attend, but I’ll let that slide. Kudos, AAA guy, kudos.