Oh Fuck, What is That? Of the Day: Canned Goods?

Boyfriend and I were at the grocery store one night. I was grumpy and ready to go home and he was jolly and wanting to look at e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. So, when he told me I should come look at something – I grumpily walked over and then proceeded to die laughing.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t think I could buy, let alone, eat something called Spotted Dick. I guess I”m a 12 year old at heart. Of course, the great storyteller of the interwebs, Wikipedia, provides enlightenment: 

Spotted dick is a British steamed suet pudding containing dried fruit (usuallycurrants) commonly served with custard. Spotted refers to the dried fruit (which resemble spots) and dick may be a contraction or corruption of the word pudding(from the last syllable) or possibly a corruption of the word dough^[1] or dog, as “spotted dog” is another name for the same dish with the use of plums rather than currants. Another explanation offered for the word “dick” is that it comes from the German word for “thick” or dick.

According to the Oxford English Dictionary, the earliest documented reference is a recipe for “Plum Bolster, or Spotted Dick”, in Alexis Soyer‘s The modern Housewife or ménagère (1849).^[2][3]

Hospital managers at Gloucestershire NHS Trust (in 2001)^[4] and the catering staff at Flintshire County Council (in 2009)^[5] renamed the pudding Spotted Richard on menus because of the use of the word dick in the original name, a common dysphemism for male genitalia in the English language. Gloucestershire NHS Trust restored the original name in 2002. Flintshire County Council reversed their renaming after a few weeks.^[6]

Tags: awkward, bizarre, canned good, gross, spotted dick, strange food, weird

Oh Fuck, What is That? Of the Day: Hair-Do’s

 

Tags: awkward, bad hair, fake moustache, hair, men, weird, wigs

Creep of the Day: Fargo Fran

Last week I was attending a public health conference. The morning started off with breakfast and a plenary session. So i moseyed in, took a seat, and greeted the three other people at my table and started gettin my scone on. About 3 minutes before the session starts this older, rather proper looking woman sits down next to me at the table and introduces herself and her colleague. She had a definite North Dakota fargo type accent and seemed pretty friendly overall. So I didn’t think much of it. The more the merrier right?

That was until the first speaker got up and began speaking. “Today were all hear for the same reason, to improve public health.”

“Yeahhhh….public health.” I hear lady next to me whisper under her breath super engaged.

Ok. That was kind of weird, but whatever.

Then as the speaker goes on and starts talking about health and quality of life, this woman lets loose an “ooohhh yeah.”

At this point the speaker starts to delve into her focus: tobacco. Like many speakers she starts stating data and facts which were huskily accompanied by an “ohhhh geez” and “wowwww gosh!” Finally the speaker begins talking about public health’s journey addressing tobacco and wraps it up. As she does Fargo Fran shakes hear head and lets out an exasperated “uhhhhhhgggghhhhh tobacco.”

I’m still not quite sure how to feel about the sounds she was making. I mean I know people let out an amen in church sermons or even a praise the Lord on occasion, but public health conferences are new territory in that regard.

Tags: awkward, conference, fargo, fran, funny, husky, north dakota, oh yeah, public health, tobacco, weird, whispers

Creep of the Day: The Street Vendor’s Sales Pitch

It was hard to keep a straight face  as I bought flowers from the street vendor yesterday:

C’mon ladies get your flowers! You know he’s not going to buy them for you! So stop waiting!

Heck buy ‘em for your boyfriend OR your girlfriend! I know how things are these days! It doesn’t matter which way you swing, I don’t judge! I mean I don’t do that but…everything must go! $3 bouquets everything must go! Hell, that might include you too!

Then he giggled.

And I got my flowers.

 

Tags: flowers, funny story, street vendor

Get Your Creep on of the Day: Ducked Up

When I was 8, my family decided to take a vacation to the foreign, exotic, desert land of Scottsdale, Arizona. We even stayed in a surprisingly fancy hotel (read: the norm was a HoJo).  It was so fancy, that I believe I shot a documentary with our snazzy video recorder at the time all about the bathroom, which sported both a shower AND a whirlpool tub. If that wasn’t all that and a bag of chips, I didn’t know what was.

Fancy hotel was fancily situated on a fancy pants golf course too. Separating the hotel area from the golf area was a set of ponds. And holy poop, if my eight-year old heart wasn’t impressed by those ponds, it was 100% smitten with what I found in that pond: ducklings.

One afternoon I had convinced my brother to go to the ponds with me. He was on the other side of the pond, while I stared intently at the baby ducks, who consequently were waddling away every ounce of my 8 year old self-restraint for wanting to grab and cuddle every baby animal in the world.

And so I thought I would. My brother told me to leave them alone. But fuck that shit. I was going to pet a baby duck, damnit. They were basically quacking to be cuddled, I couldn’t let them down!

As I inched closer to the babies near the pond’s edge, I was sure to move slowly, not wanting to scare them. My brother hollered at me again – leave them the fuck alone – which I considered for a half second until I saw that they were almost within my reach.

I was almost close enough to touch one when I heard the water russle and fuck shit momma duck was getting sassy flapping her wings and shit. I stood frozen, not sure what to do, when momma flew the fuck outta the water and landed on the bank and began screeching at me like a duck banshee.

Scared shitless I took off running. Only to look behind me and see momma duck quacking and flying through the air after me! AHHHH! HELP! I screamed at my brother as momma duck was coming down on me from the air. While in reality she was a 3-pound fowl flying through the air, she may as well have been a fucking raging pterodactyl as far as I was concerned. I was so terrified.

She took hold of the back of my t-shirt with her fierce, ass kicking, duckbill of menace, and felling her take me down I gave up and feel into fetal position as she landed on my back. She was going crazy flapping her wings and tugging on my t-shirt as I screamed for help and heard my brother laughing his ass off across the pond. Eventually she had “whooped my ass enough for satisfaction” and flew back to her ducklings as I cried in duck fear.

After that my brother came back to my side of the pond, laughing. “I told you to leave them alone, but you wouldn’t listen. That’s what you get.”

And that’s the day I got my ass whooped by a duck.

For more evidence-based information on scary ass fucking fowls you should read one of my favorite blog posts at Hyperbole and a Half. Kthx.

Tags: arizona, ass kicking, duck attack, ducklings, pterodactyl, vacation

Get Your Creep on of the Day: Neighborhood Watch

My paranoia is not a recent occurrence. In fact, I’ve been a bit paranoid since I was a kid and I won’t lie I’ve also been known to set up a booby trap or twenty to serve as a warning should any unsuspecting burglars or crazies come creeping in. (I’m no MacGyver, but indeed bells have been placed on door knobs, locks are always checked, and more than a few objects have been strategically placed to make a sound or complicate someone’s entry). 

With that said, it may come as no surprise to you that when I was home alone as a twelve year old it wasn’t uncommon to hear an off-setting sound outside and run to the window, pop my fingers though the blinds, and peek out looking for suspicious characters or clues to the sound’s origin.

This is what I guess it must have looked like to my neighbors must have seen as constantly popped up to look between the blinds every 10 minutes on the crazy watch.

One particular evening  around 6pm or 7pm I was especially on edge and when I heard a loud door slam, I peeked outside to see this white van speed away down the street, and two seconds later I heard someone trying to get into the front door.

OMGAWD WE’RE UNDER FUCKING ATTACK.

For God only knows why I made a concerted decision to first scoop up my dog and than with her in my arms bolt out the backdoor nearly shitting myself with adrenaline. Realizing I didn’t know what –kind-of-crazy this fucker was I made my second concerted decision. I would try to remain as out of sight as possible, which meant ducking down and running a giant loop outward so I could be alongside the fence/tree line in our backyard. This, my adrenaline-pumping mind decided was how I would remain as incognito as humanly fucking possible…you know for a kid ducked down, running with a Weiner dog in her arms.

My first major strategy was to get the fuck away, but as I was running I realized there needed to be a part two. But what do I do? Where do I go?!?! AHA! I’ll go to Dorothy’s house. After all she was one of the few people left in the neighborhood that we still knew and trusted since by that point many of the kids and families I grew up around had moved away.

Problem is…when you’re looking for protection from the scary fucker that just broke into your house…it may not be the best idea to run to the 75-year-old woman’s house across the street.

I show up at her doorstep completely out-of-breath, my dog likely sporting a look of terror on her face and exclaim, “Dorothy, I think someone just broke into my house!”

Being a bit more controlled than I am Dorothy listened to my story and decided it would be best to talk to the neighbor lady next door. So we go next door, I tell my story again and neighbor lady decides…well let me walk over there with you and we can see what’s going on.

Neighbor lady kinda sorta looked like she could whoop some ass so I conceded and sheepishly, dog-in-hands, followed behind her as we walked back to my house. As we approached we came back to the front door closed, but not locked (aha, sneaky burglar, you trying to cover your tracks) and we went inside. Nothing was out of place and the other two dogs I left behind (sorry Dieter and Liesel!) were unalarmed and largely happy to see me come back.

It seemed like everything was okay…but neighbor lady decided we should walk through the house just in case. As we approached the den we noticed the door was shut, but my adrenaline started pumping as I could hear someone inside.

I approached the door and swung it open as hard as I could (note with dog still in hand and also note that ideally I would’ve ninja-kicked that shit open – but sadly my twelve year old legs were better at bicycling) and I jumped forward looking for a culprit.

Nearly shitting himself a guy jumped back from the computer.

A guy…who was really just our german exchange student…sitting in the den…his room putzing around on the computer.

Neighbor lady suddenly (for the first time might I add) looked a little alarmed herself before I clarified that it was our exchange student, thanked her, and she probably strode back across the street laughing her ass off.

Tags: break-in, creeper, home alone, neighborhood watch, wiener dog

Get Your Creep On of the Day: Would You Rather…

One of my peers recently posted a list of questions that are good to ask your boo or  a close friend. Questions that broke away from the monotony of life and offered some insight into your person that you might not ordinarily get otherwise. At first it was simple stuff like “What is your favorite (color, scent, place, food, meal)” or “What makes you (happiest, loneliest, feel valued).” Okay I thought those are good, somewhat interesting questions. And then the article went on and got all gender role constricting and slightly creepy and I thought, you know what, I’m pretty sure I can do better. Fuck this favorites biz. Let’s play my version of a game called “Would you rather…” Unlike most people my version of the game errs on the side of random, weird, and on occasion thought-provoking questions that you will likely never think to ask your person or perhaps ever want to think about yourself.

Here are the rules. You have to pick one or the other and explain why. And, I know it’s hard, but you can’t change the circumstances to make it better. Example if you opt for a hairy chest as opposed to a third nipple on your neckline, per se, you can’t simply assume you can shave that gloriously hairy chest and voila no one knows. This shit is your scarlet letter of decision making; a window into your creeptastic soul. Okay, maybe I’m getting carried away. Whatever, bear with me.

Do you think you can handle it? Even if you do – proceed with caution, try not to vomit, and don’t think I’m a total freak…I’m just imaginative.

Would You Rather…Awkward Stampede Style

1. Have no arms or no legs?
2. Be blind or deaf?
3. Unibrow or extraordinarily long nose hairs?
4. Tons of acquaintances and something to do all the time or a few good friends and rarely something to do?
5. Be a master salsa dancer or master clog dancer?
6. Have an extra finger or an extra boob/ball?
7. Eat Mexican food the rest of your life or Italian?
8. Climb Mt. Everest or swim across the English Channel?
9. Eat a cockroach or mouse?
10. Your lover have a giant tattoo of their Ex on their chest or a giant tattoo of an evil donkey on their chest?
11. Drown or die in a fire?
12. Be able to sing or dance?
13. Have sextuplets or have no kids?
14. Ride a llama or a water buffalo?
15. Be President Obama or Snooki?
16. Be able to read minds or move objects with your mind?
17. Would you rather vomit every time you danced or dance every time you vomited?
18. Have a nipple on your forehead or a 2″ horn between your eyes?
19. Have chronic halitosis or chronic stank ass feet?
20. Be prone to birds shitting on your head or stepping in shit?

This list is by no means complete and will continue to grow. So creepy creepers feel free to share your own questions.

Tags: awkward questions, questions, questions to ask your significant other, weird questions, would you rather